Having a rough day?

Try one of these proven quick pick me ups and your day will be better in no time:  

Yell at children

Yelling at children is awesome. Ideally, you want to yell at children that do not belong to you. There is nothing more satisfying than hearing a blubbering brat and thinking to yourself “I did that”.

Steal someone’s food

This is great trick when you are stuck at the office. Go to the refrigerator and look for food someone is saving for lunch. Snatch that shit and run off to a corner somewhere and shove it quickly into your mouth. Feels good right? Damn straight it does.

Download something copyrighted

This is pretty straightforward. You could have paid for the cd, but you didn’t and that feels great.

Set a fire

Fire has been making man feel better about shitty days since it was invented in the 80s. It doesn’t have to be big enough to be seen from space…just something the neighbors will remember.  

Assault a Mascot

Finding a mascot in the middle day can be challenging but if you do manage to get your hands on one it’s worth the hassle. Mascots can take a ton of punishment but are completely incapable of performing a counter attack so you can get out all of your aggression with very little risk. Also to note, that onlookers will assume it’s part of the mascot’s usual idiotic antics. They will never call the police or intervene. They may throw some cheers your way though, which is a satisfying feeling.

Strip club

I’m not talking about a bottle of champagne and a few lapdances. Walk up in that bitch hard as hell and knock it over Belly Style.  

Deal Drugs

If you are serious about mental health and spiritual balance you will be dealing drugs on a daily basis already. The benefits of slanging rocks has been well documented by medical professionals over the years.

Polar Bears

Have you ever checked out the polar bears at the zoo and noticed that it seems like they want you to come in and hang out with them? Well guess what, they really do want you to come in! Hop in there and hug that mother fucker. Nothing feels better than a loving embrace from a polar bear.