Let me tell you something, funny boy. Y’know that little stamp, the one that says “New York Public Library”? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I’ve seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. What’s this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we’re too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn’t HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you’d better think again. This is about that kid’s right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or: maybe that turns you on, maybe that’s how y’get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over.
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I’m making a list of all the awesome shit I want to do before I die again. I will update this as I think of new things.
1. Learn to C walk.
2. Go through an entire calendar day without saying a word that is not “fuck”.
3. Barnstorming.
4. That shit where you hide a razor blade inside your mouth.
5. Steal candy from a baby.
6. Kill a unicorn.
7. Attend one of those dope ass birthday parties that Saudi princes throw for themselves.
8. Polygamy.
Try one of these proven quick pick me ups and your day will be better in no time:
Yell at children
Yelling at children is awesome. Ideally, you want to yell at children that do not belong to you. There is nothing more satisfying than hearing a blubbering brat and thinking to yourself “I did that”.
Steal someone’s food
This is great trick when you are stuck at the office. Go to the refrigerator and look for food someone is saving for lunch. Snatch that shit and run off to a corner somewhere and shove it quickly into your mouth. Feels good right? Damn straight it does.
Download something copyrighted
This is pretty straightforward. You could have paid for the cd, but you didn’t and that feels great.
Set a fire
Fire has been making man feel better about shitty days since it was invented in the 80s. It doesn’t have to be big enough to be seen from space…just something the neighbors will remember.
Assault a Mascot
Finding a mascot in the middle day can be challenging but if you do manage to get your hands on one it’s worth the hassle. Mascots can take a ton of punishment but are completely incapable of performing a counter attack so you can get out all of your aggression with very little risk. Also to note, that onlookers will assume it’s part of the mascot’s usual idiotic antics. They will never call the police or intervene. They may throw some cheers your way though, which is a satisfying feeling.
Strip club
I’m not talking about a bottle of champagne and a few lapdances. Walk up in that bitch hard as hell and knock it over Belly Style.
Deal Drugs
If you are serious about mental health and spiritual balance you will be dealing drugs on a daily basis already. The benefits of slanging rocks has been well documented by medical professionals over the years.
Polar Bears
Have you ever checked out the polar bears at the zoo and noticed that it seems like they want you to come in and hang out with them? Well guess what, they really do want you to come in! Hop in there and hug that mother fucker. Nothing feels better than a loving embrace from a polar bear.
